how fucked up can it be?

"is this the way you treat your people? you know how demotivated i am right now? you think i'm a robot, you can switch on and off my feelings? how would you feel if someone comes up to you and tell you, you're a bad boss? i really, really feel like i dont wanna go to work today ok... i don't care about your 2 magazines. fuck it.

but you know i still give face to you guys because you're my superiors and i respect that. i come to work today because i wanna clear things up. i come here because im a good person, unlike some people who just doesnt give a fuck anymore.

you think my performance is bad? which part that i missed that makes you think my performance is unsatisfactory? please la,you only have three designers and you have four magazines. i'm handling two. TWO la.

do you think i really give a shit if you dont wanna confirm me? if someone told you that my performance is bad three months ago, why hasn't anyone tell me anything back then? you think you extended my probation period and you call dat damage control and you guys think im happy isit?

fuck it, i wanna resign. i just don't give a damn anymore. i give u my letter tomorrow."

for those who knows the prequel of this story, these were some of the words i spat on to my publisher, my production manager and my general manager. such fuckers. after 3 hours of constant 'hantam' these idiots, my general manager couldnt take it and left, my production manager red faced and thinks silence is virtue and my publisher took responsible being the damage controller, begging for me not to leave the company.

as for me, no matter how sweet it was to cuss these idiots, i'm still on the losing side. how fucked up can it be?

recipe on christmas eve

ingredients
a pissed girlfriend
a fucking superbitch with everything but looks and class
a sweet patient boyfriend
confused friend
an unknown bar which i have no interest in to begin with
dim sum
ciggarettes
a group of strangers

method
1. start evening prowling a jammed packed Jalan PRamlee looking for a bite and a place to park. manage to find both. grateful for the fact that when we celebrate raya we dont prowl nightclubs.
2. suppose to meet a group of strangers outside an unknown bar which i have no interest in to begin with. late!late!late!
3. they trickle and we dont get in anyway. nite still early. decide its got to be better someplace else.
4. decide to leave an unknown bar which i have no interest in to begin with.
5. at the elevators meet confused friend.
6. Confused friend drags us back in and decides to help us out.
7. decides to ask help from a fucking superbitch with everything but looks and class.
8. a fucking superbitch with everything but looks and class decides to live up to her name and does a flawless job forgetting that my bf once saved her skanky drunk ass being from being thrust out to the streets and end up being another KL hotspot (always open!!)
9. a pissed girlfriend has already stormed away from it all. ciggarettes are helping. by this time a pissed girlfriend has no interest in being around drunks.
10. land in Hartamas Sq. a pissed girlfriend still is. ciggarettes still helping
11. a sweet patient boyfriend tries hard to fix things with a pissed girlfriend.
12. a pissed girlfriend apparently is starving. Takes three baskets of dim sum, patient boyfriend pays, obviously.
13. a pissed girlfriend no longer is pissed and manages a smile. situation is salvaged when favourite people pop by the table.
14. girlfriend wonders why on earth did we go thru all that shit at an unknown bar which i have no interest in to begin with to be with a bunch of strangers.
15. situation salvaged.
16. everything ok. they meet up again the next day.

merry christmas. happy new year. im off for my year end vacation. be back next year.

maybe

i've done something bad while i was away...
immediately as i reached the border, s called me up and couldn't stand of lying, i confessed...

"betul ke?"
"betul and i'm sorry k. i promised i won't do it again..."
"sokay, just promise me u won't do it anymore..."
"i promise..."

she hung up and i went back to sleep, couldnt care less, thinking everything's ok. not knowing, she cried herself to bed...

tuesday nite...
"kenapa sayang?"
"taklah i sakit tekak sikit..."
"kenapa suara macam baru lepas nangis? isit becus what i did?"
"how did you know i cried??"
"i dont... just guessing..."
"i cried because both of us made a promise and swear to each other that we never do it as long as we're together..."

i was stunned, thinking all this while it was only a minor fault. although we've been together for seven years, we have so much near of nothing in common... but when we agreed on something that we believed in, it was something we would treasure. we made a pact, a swear and a promise...

being naive, i broke one... being a total chauvinist idiot, i forgot about the promise...

i made apologised but she's still hurting... i'm picking up pieces of her heart, trying mend it up. at this moment, guilt and remorse haunts.

i know she says, "it's alright...
you will make it up next time..."
i know she knows it's not right
there ain't no use in lying...

maybe she thinks
i know something
maybe, maybe
she thinks it's fine

maybe she knows
something i don't
i'm so tired...
so tired of trying...

it seems to me that 'maybe'
pretty much always means 'no'
so don't tell me
you might just let it go

often times, we're lazy
it seems to stand in my way
because no one knows not
no one like to be let down...

a phone call

decided that i would call him for a few minutes. hopefully im not intruding his vacation.

d: hey!
s: hey!
d: heee-eey!
s: heey!
d: baby!

suprised i called? yeah. he certainly sounded like it. he's having a good time alright so i shall not worry. he just came back from a thai massage (hmm...).
and yesterday he lost 1000 bahts. but he's not sure whether he spent it or really lost it.

please be more alert and cautious.please

am spending the days listening to the amazing lucie silvas.


a really good listen if you're in my shoes.

3 days till he comes home

quite isn't it?

my phone didnt ring as many times today. was a quite day. no irritating wake-up calls, no munching-at-lunch-while-talking phonecalls, no im-on-my-way-home-but-had-to-meet-K-in-hartamas calls.

just A calling to complain about how her baby now refuses to sleep in the buai anymore and wants to sleep on the bed instead. whatever.

went to shah alam as usual to drop sister at her classes but wasnt able to see him as usual. channeled all the energy into going for a run instead around that huge lake.

Message Received
++Mwah!++
15/12/05
05:44PM
i have been travelling since 11pm last nite.
Now i baru sampai kat jetty. we took the long
route. Everything is in a massive flood.
i luv u syg. Miss u so much.
************End***************

4 days till he comes home.

and counting

we didnt managed to meet during his lunch break. so its now til the day he returns.
we talked a bit on the phone. he's too swamped with work to talk for long.i could sense the excitedness in his voice. he told me he wished that he could see me to pick the toiletry bag. he doesnt really need it. i know he's saying it just to be nice. he's always like that.

im wondering im gonna do. wonder what this weekend will be like.
wonder if he'll be okay,if he will enjoy himself.
all i pray for is a safe trip and safe return.


5 hours till he's gone.

first time

monday. we went out. exchanged some foreign currency. he's leaving tomorrow night. its the first time he's going and leaving me behind. before this i was always the one to go. im anxious but excited for him. he was at the office yesterday til 11 finishing his workload before actually leaving tonight. he works so hard,i know he deserves this break.

i packed a toiletry bag for him but not sure if im actually going to see him today before he leaves. im worried but he tells me not to. six years. and this is the first time im left alone.


12 hours till he leaves.

yee haaaaaw!

hari tuh aku ngan member baik sorang nih, K, pegi cuti kat PD. one thing good about working in publication, kitorang selalu dapat gi party (vip pulak tuh, free flow je terus... tapi Tuhan sayang aku lagi sebab aku tak minum), launches ngan sekali sekala dapat gi cuti.

editor aku dapat invite pegi satu resort ala koboi kat PD. invite tu actually utk cover launch paintball centre. sebab editor dah pegi germany haritu, dia soh la aku pegi cover event tuh. walaupun sebenarnya aku nih designer. haha.

tapi aku malas la nak citer pasal sumer2. letih. baik aku terus tulis article dia. :P tapi yang paling best sekali, time aku gi massage spa kat sana. best gila... mmg tak terkata keberesannya...

*masa tgh buat footbath
kakak spa: adik buat apa kat sini?
aku: ada kerja la kat sini...
k.s.: ooo... ingatkan saja datang cuti, muka macam student lagi.
aku: taklaaa... saya dah suku abad dah kak.
k.s.: yeker? muka muda lagi laaa... macam anak akak (beres...)

kalau korang yang dah pikir bukan2 time akak nih tgh bersihkan kaki korang, memang potong stim sebab kakak nih dah ada anak...

*masa tgh urut, lampu dah tutup, music dah pasang, minyak lavender dah naik bau, dah meniarap atas katil pakai boxer jek...
kakak spa: adik nih kulit lembut jek... senang jek nak urut. kulit manja jek.
aku: ......
k.s.: kakak naikkan sikit seluar nih... (dengan selamba dia dah pegang butt cheeks aku... cara betul la kakak nih!)

kalau orang dalam situasi aku, korang tak pikir bukan2 ke?
dahlah aku malas nak tulis, korang gunalah imaginasi korang sendiri. senang2 korang pergi kat aman suria tuh... ada service rm50 full body massage... editor aku cakap extras pun ada... whahahah!


selepas kejadian itu, penulis telah membuat survey di sekitar klang valley untuk mencari pusat urut yang paling best dan harga berpatutan. sehingga hari ini, beliau masih lagi dalam pencarian rumah urut terunggul :P

MMusic.love.life.music

When you live where i live, nothing that happens after 8pm (or even before that as-a-matter-of-fact) is worth getting excited about. Thats why i have the entire TV schedule from 8pm onwards at my fingertips. And wednesday is a waited-for-day because of The Amazing Race.

But earlier on she IMed me and told me to come over to MMU. Apparently,she and her bf started their own band (apart from his kick-ass April!) and are playing at an anti-drug campaign little concert tonight. Yay!

So I dragged my 16-year-old sister, and off to cyber we went. Only 5 performances but they really rocked! (except for Ilsa who decided to go hiphop?)
I dig chicks with bands anytime. not those i-dont-like-to-shower-grungy looking chicks but really, these MMU chicks were hot. They were slinging guitars in strappy heels and skin tight jeans.

which shows that if girls ever decide to 'go underground' they dont have to look like the guys. comot, dirty and bad hair. you can be a rock star and look hot. take your cue from The Fancy Pants.

anyways my 16 year-old sister very surprisingly loved the show and was stuck in her seat for the whole entire time and demonstrated her interest even more by purchasing April's EP. wa-hey. Apparently they are MMU's IT band of the moment.


she's a bit nervous about her performance...


but i tell her its alright...


and i get a free poster for my efforts..

great show but im rushing back to catch the reruns of The Amazing Race.

apasal? dah tak larat nak dengar?

aku nak confess la kat korang satu benda. benda nih memang mengganggu kepala otak aku sejak dua tiga bulan lepas la... makin hari makin teruk la benda ni, sumer disebabkan faktor-faktor kebangangan orang2 sekeliling aku.

nak tau apa bendenya?
I BLOODY HATE MY BLOODY JOB!

memang setengah orang cakap aku tak bersyukur la sebab ada lebih kurang 30 000 graduates tak dapat kerja...
alasan aku senang je, bukan aku tak bersyukur sebab aku dapat, in fact aku kerja dah lama dari korang yang senang2 cakap aku tak bersyukur. aku bayar duit keter aku sendiri, bagi mak aku duit walaupun aku tau mak aku still kerja, walaupun mak aku cakap bayar je mana mampu, tak payah bagi pun takpe. yang 30 000 orang tuh sumer tak dapat keje sebab memilih, penat makbapak kasi duit belanja pegi kelas... aku pun pernah rasa la keje gaji kecik. so tolong sikit kalau nak cakap aku tak bersyukur.

memang setengah orang cakap aku nih banyak bunyi, suka whining tak tentu pasal sedangkan bende halnya kecik...
aku jawab senang jek, allo mister, lu cakap aku nih bunyi lebih, lu ingat lu bayar gaji aku ke? korang tau tak kerja seorang designer? korang tau tak kalau sorang designer tuh silap sikit je artwork, satu office cari, satu dunia tuding jari. macam masalah negara la mister. kalau mintak kerja sumer nak laju, salah sikit marah. kalau 10 artwork sekali masuk, lepas tuh sumer nak laju, designer ada sorang... lu ingat aku nih photostat machine ke apa? boleh multitasking? kalau aku lawan terus cakap ngan publisher... kalau publisher bodoh tahap melantun2? tak ke ko rasa nak macam nak taji dahi dia?
kata buat marketing & sales, clients pun tak gheti handle... tau nak sign agreement, makan komisen. kepala otak dia laa...

aku rasa diorang patut buat satu hari nih, hari khas untuk designers in the whole unibes... macam Hari Designers Sedunia... so kitorang yang otak penuh dengan kaler2 ngan idea nih boleh relax...

okla... tu ada berlambak lagi artwork aku nak buat. karang orang ingat aku takde keje laa apa laa... karang ada pulak cakap aku nih bising jek. ada ke orang nak dengar pun, aku rasa S pun tak larat nak dengar. sampai boleh jawab, "quit je la, jadi laid back macam i..." beres.

sempena korang dengar citer aku nih... nah tgk gambar aku tgh tension masa kat studio tgh shooting fazura... selamat dan semoga semua hidup berbahagia. pis.

daddy cool

its pretty amazing the stuff you can actually find from the web. anything and almost everything is pretty much available. from pictures of friends/enemies (frienster la tuu) to women the biggest boobies to gory pictures of tragic accidents.

bearing that in mind im pretty much prepared for whatever shit i might find on the internet. until yesterday.

papa wanted some of his previous research papers that he didnt have copies (too lazy to go to the library, which i had to go in the end-another tragic story but thats a totally different story).

so here i was goggling his name. and i found a piece of gem. the last thing i ever expected to find on the internet. papa's pictures when he was seventeen! holy macaroni! seems that one particular 55-year old didnt have anything interesting to do and decided that he would rewrite his high school diary and publish all embarrassing photos of those school years.

some of them i really know well. some of them i call uncle. some died, others retired. hard imagining papa was ever a teenager. hard imagining him being a school prefect, having examinations woes, arguments with friends and eating in the dining hall.

he seems so in control of his life right now. ive never seen a couple with the best relationship-ever. anything for mummy. even her constant thosai cravings at 2am.

wonder if i'll marry a man like that.



author left, papa right.
sekolah alam shah, cheras.

*puke*

was IMing her early in the morning when she said

"uwek aku rase nak muntah"
"asal?"
"sbb terbace satu blog ni"
"blog ape?"

this blog is just *lost for words*. no need to read. just scrolling and looking at the pictures was enough to put me off lunch. almost.

whinning and pretending

yesterday, when youngsters (ahem!) my age were out and about enjoying their start of the weekend, i had this neighbourhood gathering/BBQ at the playground.

Results- FOOD :good
-CROWD:are you kidding me?

Datuks and Datins, aunties and uncle and bibiks. Was sitting near the benches with my bibik and all the other bibiks. Was hoping i didnt blend in though. Tragic if i actually did.

D on the other hand was hanging out at a heinekken par-tay somewhere in Bukit Bintang. wah-wah. And called me around 3 having issues handling a drunken girl who came driving alone. bijak nye itu perempuan.

im on my way out actually. going to ikea looking for fancy boxes to put my panties that have been put too long in the Mr.Potatoes big brown box.

and tomorrow im going to attend the wedding of my subang school friend. his akad was yesterday. congratulations zorro and nurin.
and tomorrow D and his friend Kep are going to pretend to be reporters and attend a two-day paintball event in PD. supposed to be preview for press only. Lucky bastards! Just dont get paint in your eyes.